4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
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I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better