GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.