Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
A new level of troll.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂