Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
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I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
This checks out
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob