Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
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Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.