*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
You Might Also Like
That lamp looks PISSED.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra