And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
You Might Also Like
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[the middle of showering] I need a break