I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
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[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
then why did i get this email
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.