iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
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He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Bill is short for Billiam
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
#parenting
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….