Your honor these allegations are
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Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Herpes is trending, good job people
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.