asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.