Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES