Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
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The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
File under excellent bookstore names.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Denise please return my vape pen
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.