Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
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The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Just a friendly reminder!