Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
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Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD