Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
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My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
❤️❤️❤️
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
shut up and take my money
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.