iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
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They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.