What if the weather talks about us?
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?