As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
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Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
This is amazing.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0