Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
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I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Buying a well is money well spent.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”