Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people