Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
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Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I’m awake but I object,
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.