Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
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It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Important reminders
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.