Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.