Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird