@kyle_thatisall: IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony's all "pffsh whatever I'm Ironman" then he's all "JARVIS HELP" then he's sad but then it's like whaaaaat.
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@ohen39: Cop: Sir, don't lock your kid in there, it's very hot. Me [closing car door]: It's okay *leans in* it's not my kid.
@jazmasta: *hairstylist holds mirror behind my head after styling my hair* "Is that ok for you sir?" "Yes that is a beautiful mirror. I'll take it"
@prodnose: Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying "Cancer" on boxes replace it with the word "Acne".
@BlindChow: (Ok don't let her know ur Jesus) Girl: Meet my dad *they shake hands* *Dad stands up from wheelchair* Dad: It's a miracle! Jesus: *facepalm*