IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
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friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Okay
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
A woman drives into a bar.
If only
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot