*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian