Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then