Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
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Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing