Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
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😂🤣😂🤣
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”