@somecleverthing: Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
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@markhoppus: "The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era" I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.
@pixelatedboat: You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I've got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
@KentWGraham: For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.