Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
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If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
no refunds
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!