Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
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Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
The two types of wives
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
ugh not again
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.