Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
You Might Also Like
a god among men
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun