IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
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My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.