WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.