@PRESTONinCOLOR: Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it's not just women who won't marry you.

@BillDixonish: If Billy Joel rewrote We Didn't Start The Fire based on the past 2 weeks, it would be 45 minutes long.

@shutupmikeginn: So much wasted time in public school, as an adult I've never used cursive, done algebra, or had to remember anything from sex ed.

@GBRougecity: "What a nice doggie." "I'll have you know it's not a doggie but a pure bred." "YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!"

@Mikel_Jollett: PEPSI: We made the biggest PR blunder of any major company this year. UNITED: Hold my beer.