At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
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villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Just a reminder, folks:
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.