Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
You Might Also Like
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Meanwhile in Canada…
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background