Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
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For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
This forever.