Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
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I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*