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literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.