Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.