Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
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Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up