“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
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[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
the pigeons are already plenty salty