*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
As the Lord intended
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.