Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
True
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”