@ericsshadow: [is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] "do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you."
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@jergarl: [7am] *drinks 19 cups of coffee for work *can't stay awake [9pm] *takes a sip of coffee [2am] I should vacuum the dog
@GeorgeTakei: Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by "A man who layeth with another man must be stoned."
@MUMSIEesq: 3YO: "How do babies get out of bellies?" ME: "Look! Ice cream!" *5 min later* 3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: "How do babies get out of be---"