@ericsshadow: [is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] "do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you."
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@BYGH: My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Not saying you're shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
@doktorj: As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.