Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
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Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
A fake ID that makes you younger
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
men, we mow at sunrise.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
the saddest jazz hands ever
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.