Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either