@ericonederful: Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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@Stella1070: I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
@Gooooats: Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.
@Chumpstring: SCIENTIST: the earth is dying ME: oh no how long do we have SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months ME: so what you're saying is no more condoms
@Book_Krazy: Me: Do you have any dreams? Him:...I'm running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes... Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT