Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Boom, boom, ching!
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I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I want this so bad
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Breaking news:
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy