Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.