@LionJenkins: Autocorrect just changed "Selfies" to "Selfless" so I just took a picture without me in it.

@notalogin: [Interview] CEO: Why do you think you'd be a good fit at our firm? GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

@mattytalks: Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch

@loisandbea: Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.

@myles_morrison: The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.