Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
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97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
just having fun
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.